Don't Call Me Sensei!
by Hasty
Summary: Urahara gets his very own problem student. Ikkaku's not too thrilled with him either.
1. Chapter 1

**Not my sandbox, I'm just playing with the characters. Kubo Tite owns all. Takes place during Pendulum Arc.**

Urahara had a bad feeling about this. He was at the Academy, checking out the latest crop of graduates, and Saskakibe had summoned him. The last time Saskakibe had summoned him, he'd met Kurotsuchi. He liked Kurotsuchi, but damn did that man have problems.

"Enter," Saskakibe called. A boy glared at him from one of the chairs. He was only a few years older than Hiyori, with scraggly brown hair and a ragged academy uniform. Apparently the kid was fighting a losing battle against hair loss (or lice.)

"Urahara-taicho, this is Ikkaku Madarame."

"Lemme go, dammit," Madarame swore. "I haven't done anything."

"Today. Yesterday, you managed to knock out two students, and the day before that, you cut kido class. And the day before that you managed to get in another fight. At breakfast."

"Saskakibe-san, I'm not in Second anymore. What do you want me to do?"

"Excellent question. You see, Madarame-kun is one of the best students in zenjutsu we have. I am not willing to lose such a promising student, but he might do better if he were assigned to a private tutor."

Urahara felt his heart sink. Saskakibe was probably still carrying a bit of a grudge from Urahara's student days. It hadn't been his fault that all his teachers were slow.

"I'm really busy," he babbled. "Sarugaki-chan doesn't look at the paperwork, so last month I ended up paying Eighth and Fifth's bills, there's a promising new line of research I'm pursuing- I'm so busy I hardly sleep!"

"I'm sure you can make time. Why don't you and Madarame-kun get to know one another? I'm sure you'll get along like a house on fire."

People screaming, general pandemonium, yep, that sounded about right.

--

"So, what'd you do to him?" Madarame asked.

"Well, my grades were impeccable, but I kept my roommate up all night when I was working on my projects, and I set a dorm room on fire. And I blew up the cafeteria, by accident."

The rest of his exploits were still classified.

Madarame chuckled. "Wow, for a noble shinigami, that's impressive."

"I'm not a noble. I lived in the Rukon for a long time, until I met Yoruichi. She was impressed by my skills and with her sponsorship, I and a friend managed to get into the academy."

"Another Rukon rat, huh?"

"And you?"

"Got scooped off the street and dragged here. I liked the Rukon better, it's too boring here. I mean, we get food, if you can call it that, but there's too much stupid stuff they want us to learn."

"Like kido?"

"Yeah."

He sighed. "I'll pick you up tomorrow. Try not to get in any more fights."

"Sure, spoil my fun."  
-

"So Saskakibe decided to pay you back?" Yoruichi chortled. "About time karma bit you in the ass."

The captains were gathered in the canteen, and Urahara reminded himself of the rules. Never talk to Kyoraku, lest you feed the rumor mill.

"Har-de-har. Look, this kid's about as stubborn as you can get, and I have more important things to do. Would you consider training him? You're doing wonders with Soi Fong."

"Thanks, but I think you should teach him yourself. Birds of a feather, you know."

"Tessai, please?"

"Karma."

"Aigawa-san?"

"Sorry, I've got a protégée of my own," the captain of Seventh replied. "Komamura-kun's a hard worker, but he has to be drawn out. If I add another student, he'd lose all faith in me."

"Rojuro-kun?"

"_You set my dorm room on fire, senpai_. Any student of yours would demolish my division. No, no way."

"It'd make my allergies flare up," Kyoraku said.

"Your allergies to hard work," Yadamaru replied.

"I'm not letting either of you near him," Urahara commented. "I remember that unofficial 'oral exam' scam you two tried to pull. Mugarame-san?"

"I have a vice-captain to baby-sit," Kensei replied. "Sorry."

"Shinji?"

Shinji shook his head. "I got one child prodigy already, and he's enough of a handful."

Urahara considered his options: Ukitake- no, he was resting at Fourth. Unohana was too busy training her own set of ducklings. (She liked children, and Fourth could always use even the smallest set of extra hands.) The Captain of Tenth was reorganizing his division. The current Kenpachi was on a mission and Yamamoto would roast him.

Kuchiki-taicho wouldn't have enough energy to keep up with Madarame. Given the boy's views on nobles, they'd end up fighting anyway.

_Looks like I'm stuck with him_, Urahara thought.

This was not going to end well.

**I think this will be a two or three shot story. I realize I've done the equivalent of luring cannon into a deserted alley and mugging it. It's winter, and I need the flames. (I should be working on my other stories but no..)**

**There's a poll up on my profile, and your votes are appreciated.**

**Little Academy! Ikkaku just makes me giggle. **


	2. Nano Desu

**Still not my sandbox.. Thank you, Tito Kube.**

Urahara got up bright and early, but the outlook was anything but sunny. He _hated_ teaching. Madarame was like an older, more aggressive version of Hiyori. Goodie. Maybe he could lock them in a shed together. They'd kill each other- or band together against the rest of Soul Society. On second thought, that would be a very bad idea, but it was so tempting.

If Madarame actually became a shinigami, and Hiyori got _involved _with him, it would be disastrous. A vision of little blond and brown-haired toddlers attacking people with sandals and cute wooden swords danced through his head. He should send Hiyori on a mission for oh, the next month.

--

"Going off somewhere, Baldy?" Hiyori chirped. She leaned against the gate, casually. She certainly hadn't been waiting for her captain, nosiree.

"Oh, Sarugaki-san. No, I'm just going to the Academy. Lots of promising recruits this year, and I plan to skim the cream of the crop."

"Really? Way I heard it; you got drafted to teach a no-goodnik who's one short step from being expelled."

"Who told you that? Must be Kyoraku-taicho, but you shouldn't believe a word he says. He loves to lie to young girls," Urahara lied.

"Shinji told me. We have a bet going."

"Oh, you must have bet on 'turns young student into a sterling example of a shinigami."

"I bet on 'fails miserably.'"

"Shouldn't a vice-captain bolster their captain's confidence?" Urahara asked.

"If you had too much confidence, your head would explode," Hiyori pointed out. "I'm here to keep you humble."

"Thanks ever so much," Urahara growled.

--

Masanori Yamada was on dorm duty today, Urahara noted.

"Urahara- taicho, Sarugaki-fukutaicho! How are you today? Interviewing today?"

"We're here for Ikkaku Madarame," Urahara said.

"What's he done now? Replaced soap with natto? Challenged you to a death match? Challenged the division to a death match?" Yamada asked, twitching with every question.

"Does he fight a lot?" Hiyori asked.

"He challenged the entire graduating class to a fight," Yamada replied, looking warily around. "Hey, you want to see pictures of my little Hanataro and my lovely wife Hanabi? I just got the portraits done yesterday. I'm so glad we took him from that orphanage!"

"No thank you," Urahara said, looking for an escape route.

"Are you sure? I have them right here..."

"Uh-we'll look at them later," he said, grabbing Hiyori and fleeing.

--

They eventually stumbled over Ikkaku, who'd been cutting class again. He claimed that the class assignment was to hunt the wild ramen noodle, but Urahara found that unlikely. They found a nice spot in the woods to train.

"Okay, now how far are you along in your kido training?" Urahara asked.

"What kido training? I'm a first year."

"In other words- you haven't attended a single kido class since you enrolled. Sarugaki-chan, quit giggling. How are you doing in zenjutsu, Madarame-kun?"

"I can knock down any opponent."

"So what techniques have you mastered?"

This earned him a blank look. Urahara groaned.

"I'm guessing you just bash away at your opponent until they fall down?" Hiyori piped up.

"Hey, it works," Ikkaku said.

"All right then," Urahara said. "Grab your sword and attack me. Show me what you've learned, and then I'll know what areas we should work on."

Hiyori sat down, grinning. This would be fun.

--

"I have to admit that your offensive moves are pretty good," Urahara said, when they paused. "However, your _defensive _techniques-"

"Suck ass," Hiyori interjected.

"Er, I was going to say 'could use some work.'"

Ikkaku shrugged. "Who cares about defense?"

"It could be the difference between a mortal wound and a glancing blow," Urahara said, going into lecture mode. "The only reason you haven't been expelled, is that you could be a fine shinigami one day. You could even end up leading squads or the whole division into battle. But someone needs to lead them back out again. And if that doesn't appeal to you, leaving the battle with your own hide intact ought to."

"Meh, living fast and dying hard is more fun."

Damn it, he was going to do horrible things to Saskakibe. Set his office on fire, volunteer him for Mayuri's next experiment, the possibilities were endless.

"Be that as it may," Urahara finally said. "I am charged with keeping your hide alive, and that includes teaching you defensive techniques. Let's begin."

--

By the time mid-day rolled around, Urahara was feeling more cheerful. Ikkaku wasn't a bad swordsman, he was just unpolished. Hiyori had stopped smirking after the third round. Ikkaku thought on his feet, and he was adaptable. Urahara would've never thought of using the sheath of a zanpakuto as a shield.

"So, Madarame-kun," he asked as they headed back, "Have you thought about joining a division?"

"One of tha seats from Eleventh said I should try an' test out early. I don't think I will, though. I could take the captain, and I ain't gonna be bossed by anyone who's weaker than me."

"Just out of curiosity, what do you think of me?" Urahara asked.

"I heard ya used to be in Second, so I'm not gonna try. Wouldn't want ta find ya in my closet, ninging at me."

"That isn't even a word," Hiyori grumbled.

"Well it is now, freckle-brat."

"What did you call me?"

"I think it suits ya, freckle-brat."

Hiyori lunged at him, sandal in hand.

--

Urahara collapsed in his chair and let out a groan.

"How was the first day?" Shinji asked, walking in.

"Checking up on me?"

"Yeah. I also had to come here for some splints. You know little Tetsu-kun, Ryoko's kid? Some idiot told him that the best way to start flash-step training was to step off a roof. He chose ours."

"What happened to your splints?" Urahara asked.

"The littlest Kotetsu brat has some big project. She borrowed all of mine. Kuchiki's on a mission, Rose doesn't have any, Love's in Fourth, Kyoraku and Isshin are drunk as skunks, and Mugarame won't answer his butterflies. We'll take him to Fourth after splinting his leg."

"Splints are in the closet, don't touch anything else."

"So..." Shinji began.

Urahara sighed. "Well, if I can keep Hiyori from attacking Madarame, I might make him into a passable swordsman. I'm hoping I can get Tessai or Hachi to teach him kido later on, but I'll take what I can get. Besides, he's pretty wild right now, so I'd rather not teach him any kido."

"From what I heard from his teachers, he sounds like a male version of Hiyori. Scary shit."

"You have no idea. And he's mine for the next month or so. Do you suppose Saskakibe has a grudge against me?"

" luck," Shinji yelled, retreating.

"I'll need it," Urahara grumbled.

--

Ikkaku leaned back against the dorm room's door. He'd gotten a room to himself, after his last room-mate had made an unfortunate comment about "Rukon scum."He idly wondered if the guy had been released from Fourth yet.

The freckle-brat wasn't too bad, he supposed. Bit of a violent streak, but then Ikkaku had one himself. Urahara was one of the oddest shinigami he'd met. He'd expected some nerd like the vice-captain of Fifth, but Urahara was in a different galaxy from Aizen.

The high ranked shinigami were infesting the Academy, looking to skim the cream off the graduating crop. The captain of Tenth had already become the envy of the divisions by securing a girl named Rangiku Matsumoto, who'd scored highest in zenjutsu in her class. He and the current Kenpachi had held a mah-jongg tournament to decide the issue.

Ikkaku didn't really know where he'd be six years from now, but he figured he'd stick it out for the next month or so. If he got really lucky, he'd get Urahara to show him his bankai. It just had to be a cool one. Urahara seemed kind of – odd, but he wouldn't be half bad as a captain. It was too bad that Ikkaku wasn't gonna join Twelfth. He liked to fight, not stare at beakers all day. And there was no way in hell that he was going to be bossed by a little hellion half his size.

One thing was for sure. This next month was gonna be a blast.

--

**1. This story will not be a romance. The bit about them having kids is a product of Urahara's morbid imagination. However, if anyone wants to write an Ikkaku/ older Hiyori story, I will review it. Promise.**

**2. No matter where you are, there will be someone with baby pictures. **

**3. And thus Ikkaku's fear of footwear was born..**

**4. The 'Kenpachi' referred to is not Zaraki. **

**Yay! Seond update before New Year's.**


	3. A Constant Contradiction

**The closest thing to Bleach I own is some Clorox. Chapter Theme: Rascal King by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. It fits these two so well it's almost scary.**

Urahara groaned, yawning. Another day of teaching, yaay. That wasn't quite fair- Ikkaku had improved in the last few months, but he'd recently begun pestering Urahara to use his bankai. Hiyori had sided with Ikkaku, unfortunately. Using puppy dog eyes had to be cheating. He found it very worrying that they were hanging out together during their free time. Oddly enough, the two actually got along when they weren't actively trying to kill each other.

"Soon I can post a sign saying: this division protected by attack toddlers," he mumbled. "Naw, toddlers're too young. They'd have to be four at least.."

"What are you mumbling about?" Mayuri asked.

"Go 'way, haven't had my tea yet. First tea, than teaching, than paperwork."

"Ugh, teaching that boy again?" Mayuri asked. "I wish you'd taken on someone else. He's not intelligent at all, and I wonder why you got stuck with him."

"That's not fair," Urahara said. Mayuri'd been nursing a grudge against Ikkaku for a while. Apparently Ikkaku had suggested that Mayuri was overcompensating by stuffing his sword into his belt like that. Only Ikkaku'd used fewer words.

"He'd rather be doing than thinking, that's true. But he's clever and adaptable. He'll be a fine shinigami, once someone sorts out that reckless streak of his."

"I think you've been breathing too many fumes."

--

Yoruichi waved at him as he came up to the Academy Gates. Hiyori had skipped out early, and she was chatting with Soi Fong while Yoruichi talked with Ikkaku. The young student had shaved his head,and grown two inches but other than that, he was the same as he'd been a year ago.

"Hey, Kisuke! How's it going?"

"Pretty well," he said.

"He still won't show me his bankai," Ikkaku grumbled.

"There's a reason for that. My bankai is too dangerous for everyday use. Ask Yoruichi to show you hers."

"Sorry Kisuke, get someone else to help you weasel out of this. Besides, I've only seen it twice myself."

"Bankai," Hiyori said. "I've never seen it. Show of hands, everyone!"

Three hands raised.

"Soi Fong-chan, you don't get a vote! This is not a democracy!"

Yoruichi chuckled.

"Yoruichi, Ikkaku-kun doesn't need any help getting into trouble. Stop encouraging him. You too, Sarugaki!"

He turned, heading off to the training field that was allotted to Twelfth and its recruits. Yoruichi caught up to him and gave him a deep, long kiss. A chorus of gagging sounds emanated from the two females and Ikkaku yelled, "Get a room!"

"You look so cute when you're pouting," she said, unrepentantly. "Hiyori, Ikkaku, soon you'll be doing this, so shut up. You too, little Bee."

Soi Fong blushed and averted her eyes.

"Are you nuts!"Hiyori yelped. "No way I'd ever date him. I want someone cool and mature. This brat is like a brother ta me, nothing more! A brat that I want ta leave out in the woods!"

"And you're like a little bratty sister to me. You ain't even got tits yet!"

"I'm older than you. And you're all talk, no balls," Hiyori taunted.

"Says the girl who does the biddings of Mr. Dickless!"

"I'll have you know that Kisuke does just fine," Yoruichi sniffed. This sent the terrible twosome into gales of laughter while Soi Fong turned crimson.

"Uh, Yoruichi, he was talking about Mayuri-san," Urahara informed her.

"Oh. Oops."

"Sarugaki, Ikkaku, you have five minutes to pull yourself together. Or I'll tell Kuchiki-taicho why his ink bottle blew up."

Yoruichi chuckled. "Sounds like a good story. Come on, Little Bee, we've got training to do."

He knew that he'd have to tell Yoruchi that one later. He found it amusing, but Ginrei hadn't enjoyed it very much.

--

"All right, what should we do today?" he asked.

"Bankai," Ikkaku stated. Damn, that boy had a one-track mind.

"Oi idiot, ya gotta do it like this," Hiyori said. She widened her eyes and looked up at Urahara. "Bankai?"

Watching Hiyori attempt puppy-dog eyes was just plain wrong.

"The student, o impatient one, does not get to dictate the pace of the training," Urahara intoned.

Ikkaku grinned. "Well then, I'll just have ta persuade ya."

He charged, drawing his sword. Hiyori drew her sword and came at Urahara as well. He fended them off easily at first. He knew all of Ikkaku's preferred movements and a number of Hiyori's tricks. If they kept this up for any length of time he'd be screwed.

Being beaten by his own student and vice-captain would disgrace him. If he used his bankai at half power, he could beat them easily. But he wasn't going to give them the satisfaction.

Damnit, Hiyori was fast. Ikkaku was no slouch either.

_You can't keep this up for long, _Benihime teased.

_You're right, but I can't use bankai on them. Holy shit, I think he's using flashstep._

_Shiratora has been released. Jump!_

He did, one inch ahead of the sparking blade. Lightning, natch. It suited Hiyori's personality to a tee.

_If they're getting serious, I have to do it then. _

"Sing, Benihime!" he shouted, releasing the red mist.

_--_

Urahara pushed the plunger of the antidote.

"You didn't say it was fucking poisonous," Ikkaku complained, wincing a bit.

"I said it was dangerous. You were warned."

He tended to Hiyori next. She'd built up a bit of an immunity to poisons, and a good thing too. Of course, both of them had the tenacity of a cockroach.

"Ikkaku, you're coming back to the division. We need to have a talk about your future."

"Just as well. I need ta restock supplies for that ointment ya showed me how ta make."

--

Hiyori was packed off to the library, Mayuri was working on some of the more dubious experiments, and there was nothing that required Urahara's immediate attention. He gathered the supplies and sat down next to Ikkaku.

"I'm beginning to think that the academy isn't right for you," he began. "Therefore, I suggested to Saskakibe that an apprenticeship might be a better alternative."

"Cool, I get to skip the boring shit," Ikkaku said. "I wouldn't be 'prenticing here, right?"

"As much as I like you, I don't think this division is suited to your talents. I think you'd be better suited to the combat or scouting divisions. I don't know the Kenpachi very well, but I might be able to talk Mugarame, Aigawa, or Isshin-taicho into taking you on. "

Eleventh thought Twelfth was a bunch of nerds with nothing better to do than blow up their own division, and Twelfth tended to dislike the 'barbarians' next door.

"Which one does more fighting?"  
"Ninth. I'll have a chat with Mugarame, and I'll let you know what he decides. I've taught you as much as I can. From here on out, Ikkaku-kun, you'll be developing your own way of fighting. Good luck."

--

Kensei's division was a hub of activity. He yelled out orders, sending shinigami scurrying to and fro.

"Hello, Urahara-san. Can you take Mashiro for a test subject?"

"Unohana would kill me. Mashiro's survived under your command for thirty years, so why do you two still fight?"

"Only because I haven't yet figured out how to kill her and make it look like an accident," the silver haired shinigami grumbled.

"I have an interesting proposition for you," Urahara said, smiling. "Have you ever thought of taking an apprentice?"

"Hell, no," Kensei said, guessing what Urahara was up to.

"Oh, come on, you're so good with the youngsters. Practically a role model."

Kensei winced. Love had animal magnetism, he had brat magnetism. He absolutely hated the fact that every time he went to the Rukon he got followed by bunches of children. He gave them food, but this only meant he gained more followers.

"Anyway, about Ikkaku..Saskakibe agreed to revive the apprenticeship clause. I think his talents would be a boon to any combat division."

"Then why aren't you talking with the Kenpachi?" Kensei complained.

"He already believes that dying in battle is the highest calling a shinigami can have. I'm not going to encourage that tendency."

"Oh great, a martyr."

"Think of it as getting someone new for Mashiro to play with," Urahara suggested.

"Look , I've got to leave on a scouting mission in an hour. I'll test his skills myself when I come back, all right?"

--

Ikkaku polished up his sword. He had nothing better to do, after all. He still didn't attend most of his classes, and he didn't get along with the rest of the students. Noble snobs, most of 'em.

"Hey, little baldy!" Hiyori called. No one else would dare call him that.

"What is it, freckle-face?" he asked.

"Baka-taicho said to tell you that Mugarame's gonna consider it. Lucky you. No one's had this easy a ride since little Ichimaru."

"So when do I get ta meet this guy?"

"He' s on a mission right now. Did ya hear about the Rukon?"

"Yeah," Ikkaku said. "All those people, disappearing."

"Ninth got sent out ta investigate. I'll bet they'll be done in a day or two, so you just sit tight. Try not ta get your ass thrown outta here."

"Careful, freckles, I might began ta think ya care."

Hiyori pouted. "I do not. 'Cept for Shinji, you're the best trainin' dummy I ever had. So I need ya around ta keep me on my toes. That's all."

"See ya around then," Ikkaku said. "Tell Urahara I owe him."

"Oh, he'll take it outta your hide some way. See ya around," she replied.

**1. Thus, Ururu and Jinta.**

**2. That went into the gutter alarmingly fast. It probably says something about my mind that the first time I saw Mayuri, I thought about the same thing as Ikkaku's thinking.**

**3. I don't actually know what Hiyori's zanpakuto is. This is my best guess. **

**4. Of course, in Hiyori-speak, that translates to: I do care, dummy.**

**Last hurrah, na-uh! Stay tuned.**


End file.
